Dysfunctional

I once read that about  80% of families were dysfunctional. In wikipedia this is stated about what a dysfunctional family is:

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accommodate such actions.

By that definition it doesn’t surprise me that 80 % of families are dysfunctional, and it is confirmed in the perception I have of the world and people I meet and see. All it takes is just one person to create a lot of pain in other people.

I see many people in some kind of pain that they reflect upon their surroundings and people. I especially notice it in how people talk and treat each other. And I see it in myself. The inner pain is expressed in so many ways. I will not mention the more serious ways of expressing inner pain, that’s a whole different subject matter. I only takes examples from every day life.

I had a need to be heard and I loved to be able to talk about myself. I see this in most people I meet. They have a need to talk about  how they define themselves by what they like and don’t like, talk about what a nice person they are, how they’re views and reality are correct. It’s a need for validation from other people. This is a natural and healthy interaction, but it gets exaggerated when a person don’t listen to what the other people were saying and are more busy just talking about themselves. Most people fall within the exaggerated category at different levels in different times of their lives. Many people have a great need to be heard, and at the same time don’t have the capacity to hear others, which in itself can cause pain in others.

Criticism. Yes, who doesn’t know of this one? When criticizing other people it’s because people don’t act as we want them too, and we don’t accept it. In my experience, the act of criticizing in itself generates both pain in the one doing the criticism and the one being critiqued. At the same time it’s also necessary part of human interaction to be able to speak up when something isn’t as it supposed to be. So how to deal with criticism properly? I think Eckart Tolle is into something when he speaks about it, and can be summed up as “Don’t take it personally”. I know I take things personally when I get the feeling “How dare you say this to me”, or I get hurt or the likes. One thing that has really stuck to me about recieving critique is: “How will this change my world?” The truth is, it doesn’t. It can generate a change in me, but rarely in the external world.

And that brings me to the next level, “the victimization”. Everybody have situations where a person or two have done something wrong towards them, and it haven’t been rectified. We didn’t get the “I’m sorry” that we expected or when explaining things to the person in question, they didn’t understand it or even may have made the situation worse. When criticising other people, there’s usually an evil-doer and a victim involved. When identifiying with being a victim of other people, one puts all the responsibility on the other person(s) and take no responsibility oneself. By identifying with a victim, it’s difficult (/impossible) to move on.

Everyday I meet people and every one of them leave an impression on me. Good or bad. I often find myself fretting over different things, people that seem to don’t like me, a situation where I said or did something stupid, stress, fears etc. There’s a big well to take from.

How do I deal with this and let go of the pain in the end of the day. I have to listen to myself. Even when my thinking become repetative, I’m obviously not really listening to myself. I have found that when my thinking becomes repetative, it’s because I don’t allow myself to feel the feelings. The repetative feelings are usually connected to something that doesn’t feel good, so I continue thinking about it from different angles etc. in a vain attempt to change how I feel about it. If I stop and just let my self feel the feelings, I can even put a name to them like disappointed, irritated, frustrated, angry, hurt, wounded etc. When I accept those feelings, I feel lighter and happier. I have validated that I have those feelings and views and that in itself somehow makes them fade.

Another way I use to deal with episodes and situations I can’t get out of my head is simply by thinking that there’s nothing I can do about the situation. It has happened and there is nothing more I can do. I use this method when there really isn’t anything I can do – like when people decide that they don’t like me or something that happened some time ago.

Do you have a way of cleansing away the bad influences at the end of the day?

I found a post on “The happiness project” about how to cut down on “feeling bad” that was in the neighborhood of this post.

About Haridasi

integrity - the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
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