Feeling and being connected to life

During my spare time, when I actually have time to reflect on my life, I find that I sometimes feel disconnected (especially when I’m bored). It’s like I’m disconnected from a life that gives me purpose and meaning (let’s face the facts – a nine to five job isn’t always encouraging for the creative process and personal growth), from feeling joyful for my life and I don’t feel connected to God and a higher purpose (and let me be clear: this is only occasional feelings).

I remember when I was about 13 – 14, standing on the porch, looking at the stars and already then I had a strong sense that God had a special purpose and plans for me. Now I’m 31 and I feel disconnected from time to time. So, as I always do when things are going in the wrong direction I have a progress meeting with myself and asks:
1. What isn’t working?
2. Why isn’t it working?
3. What can I do to change it?
(4. Implement the changes)

1. What isn’t working?
My religion and spirituality is very important issues in my life, so I started taking stocks. I often feel “being tired of life”, like things aren’t tasting as sweet anymore. I used to love programming, and even though I still like the challenges, I also have moments where I feel tired. Having a career doesn’t really matter as much as before.

I’m not married with kids, so no juice there (I only add that since I have the feeling so many people seem to think that having a family is the “meaning of life”).

In reality things are working well for me, so it’s not about external circumstances, it’s an inner state of being that was missing.

2. Why isn’t it working?
I’m happy, but I had been ignoring my religious interest for a while. No wonder I was feeling disconnected at times. The reason I came to this conclusion was because I was satisfied with my life, and that area was the one thing I had neglected for a while. Not to mention that my faith is the juice (well, one of them) that gives my life meaning.

3. What can I do to change it?
For the last week I have been getting connected again by reading more, meditating more and taking the necessary steps and it feels great. I read one story from Srimad Bhagavatam that really struck a cord in me regarding my dilemma:

Once, the chief of the elephants, along with female elephants, went to enjoy bathing in a lake, and they disturbed the inhabitants of the water. Because of this, the chief crocodile in that water, who was very powerful, immediately attacked the elephant’s leg. Thus there ensued a great fight between the elephant and the crocodile. This fight continued for one thousand years. Neither the elephant nor the crocodile died, but since they were in the water, the elephant gradually became weak whereas the power of the crocodile increased more and more. Thus, the crocodile became more and more encouraged. Then the elephant, being helpless and seeing that there was no other way for his protection, sought shelter at the lotus feet of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. (Srimad Bhagavatam, 8.2 Summary)

(Note: The crocodile is a symbol of lust, anger, greed, illusion, and envy.)

I could really relate to this story because life seem to make me feel helpless and certainly makes me tired at times. Life and living isn’t an easy task for most people. There are so many challenges to face, problems to solve and experiences (good and bad) to digest. The best way of dealing with life seem to be to roll with the punches, which in itself is a challenge to do without getting some scars on the way.

So, I sought God’s shelter by reading, meditating and praying which is in the same spirit of the elephant in the end. And yet again – I’m connected and feeling even better and happier. And I do think I’m on the path God have for me, just as I felt when I was 13/14.

And I was able to deduce this whole blog post from a little story about an elephant and a crocodile 🙂

About Haridasi

integrity - the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
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