Life phases

Rocky road up towards Lifjell in Rogaland, Norway

I have met people that have just stopped in their personal growth. Okey, they might had some personality disorders going on, but it really is a symptom of not being able to change. In the blame-game it’s always somebody else’s fault, and there is a lack of taking responsibility in the situation. It can happen when somebody have accused me of some poor qualities that they themselves have, lies, trying to drag me into their attention seeking habits, have greater expectations from me than they have on themselves, interpret my behavior in ridiculous ways.

Now, I have probably done all these things towards others as well.

As I have gotten older and gotten a better understanding of myself, I have become better at not accepting bad behavior from others, and trying to improve mine. My own life is too interesting to let others drag me into their own troubles. What I want is mature, mentally healthy people. That’s what I have been seeking, and I found some great people with a lot of humor as well. I also have become more attuned to people’s (and my own) shortcomings. I find it hard to deal with.

I love stories about people growing. but I don’t care much about stories where somebody have done something wrong, now regrets and tells a heart wrenching story. What is it about our need to celebrate those who commits wrongdoings? Take Steve Jobs who has done great things for design and usability in technology today. His poor ability to treat people decently is well known. His achievements is great, but he is no ideal for me.

No, give me people that does something great AND treat people good at the same time. Take NFL commissioner Roger Goodell who has to deal with 32 owners of NFL teams who all thinks they can do a better job than him. Still, Roger Goodell manages to do the job, and does it good. Or take Sergio Marchionne who resurrected Chrysler and Fiat.When you look at him you wouldn’t think much of him – but he’s CEO of both Chrysler and Fiat. Yes, two large companies and he saved both companies from bankruptcy. Now that’s people I want to learn more from.

I love those stories because growing is what my life is about. I am continually learning to become a better person. I have found myself learning a new lesson, reach a plateau where I celebrate the lesson I have learned, and then something new happens and a new area where I have to grow comes up. I have caught myself thinking “What more can I possibly learn now?” only to experience that I’m only at the beginning. It happens again and again.

Dealing with a baby that had colic was hell, and all I wanted was to be everywhere else than home. I wanted to be with people and talk to people, doing stuff, be outside. That has been my default need for as many years as I can remember. I have been restless and wanted things to happen all the time. I was active externally, and if I weren’t active externally there was a lot going on internally. When everything settled down after the colic and other stuff, I suddenly found myself in a position I haven’t been in before.

All I wanted was to be at home, doing nothing. Not speaking to anybody, not going outside. Just at home in the coach, relaxing. I thought it was just a phase after everything I had gone through, but it continued even after life had normalized. I have always been hungry for things to happen and I used to become a bit depressed if time passed and everything was same old, same old. I needed to experience something new every once in a while to feel alive.

Not now. I have never been this “relaxed” before. I just want to be at home, with my family and everything else doesn’t matter much. I loved going to cafe’s and have a mocca – now I prefer being at home. On the bright side, it saves me some money.

I’ve settled down – but a bit uneasy. Because in that relaxed space I use more time on my religious beliefs. I meditate more, read more. In this new and relaxed state a new need is growing. The need to use my life for a spiritual end and that’s a difficult path to take when I have a family and a job. A need to be in a temple and be with like-minded people. That’s not going to happen any time soon.

Changes can be difficult and scary. I wonder how I’m going to balance this new need. It’s a new change, one I haven’t gone through before. I know it’s going to be a good change, though. All changes are – even the hard ones.

Haridasi

About Haridasi

integrity - the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
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