A year ago I was boondocking around Stavanger and during one of the evenings I met a German couple who was travelling around, and we shared a nice evening of talks and wine. As the evening progressed we ended up talking about God vs atheism. The man was an atheist while the woman was undecided, but moved towards there being something. Now you may think that in such a discussion, the conversation was about whether or not there is a God. Actually, that’s not the fundamental issue. It’s this: is everything that happens just random or is it “intelligent design”?
I found the guys answer to be refreshing. He found great solace in everything being random. It meant that very few things actually mattered, while at the same time it gave him a great feeling of control because it meant he could control his own destiny.
A couple of years ago, I gave up my faith in God. Except, it wasn’t so much that I stopped believing in God. I stopped believing in things happening for a reason, that there is some kind of destiny that I’m supposed to work towards. I found that reality didn’t match up to this “destiny” crap. Believing in karma and a God, gave life a kind of magical quality. Obstacles were opportunities to learn and grow (and still is, though), but everything took on a deeper meaning. As if I was progressing towards something.
So when I gave up this belief, life became so very mundane. So very boring and uninspiring. It felt like someone had ripped the ground beneath me and everything was shaking. Life was suddenly unpredictive, cruel and I was helpless and hopeless against it. I was just a bug caught in a windshield with so very little control.
Humans are by nature pattern seeking, and our belief in God reflects that, I think. For some unknown reason, the belief in God has been a genetic quality passed down through the generations. May be because humans are very much turned towards generating meaning in our lives?
And that’s the rub. Unlike the German, I couldn’t find any solace in randomness. Not believing in anything has been a negative experience, and just doesn’t work for me. I have tried now for a couple of years, and it …. just… doesn’t…. work.
There is something within me that needs to believe there is a reason for some things to happen, beyond that humans creates reasons and systems. So me deciding to believe in astrology, is my first step towards believing in something again. Some destiny, creating some magic in life again.
I don’t know if I will find my way back to my faith, but I know I have taken one important step towards it. And I am still wondering if it even matters.