I have spent some days just getting rid of duplicate files. I downloaded Duplicate Cleaner, and it came as no surprise that I had about 40 000 duplicate files. I even managed to find a file I have been looking for months ago and written off as lost in a trash can somewhere. That tells a little bit about my problem with excess data. Too much data and little  organization makes it impossible to find what I was looking for.

I have spent several hours a day just going through my data, and today it finally dawned on me in a way I will remember this time. I love optimizing systems (including my own file structure). I think many people would prefer sitting in the dentist chair rather than working through large amounts of data. That love of optimization doesn’t just extend to going through my own data. I remember I used to love to take code and making it better, I just wasn’t always conscious of how much I liked doing it. I naturally gravitated towards it. It’s not just loving to see the final result of the work I’ve done, I really love just the process of doing it. Spending time just doing it. No wonder I have used hours just sifting through files (and I have countless hours left…. 40 000 files!).

Now that I’m aware of how much I love it, I’m going to make sure that will be embedded in my everyday work. For what better way is there when you can go, feeling refreshed from work, just by doing what you love?

I know that’s the place I want to be.

This isn’t something that comes automatically for any of us. Who hasn’t experienced feeling burned out? Or may be restless because of a feeling of being disconnected or may be that we feel we should be doing something else, but not knowing what that “something else” is. Or may be you might be a manager and want to get your staff working more effectively. Or a teacher and/or a parent and want to know how to get more involved kids that do their chores and find learning to be interesting.

To put it simply, how do you motivate yourself (and/or the people around you).

“Drive” by Daniel Pink is a book that outlines research and scientific knowledge about how motivation works. It starts out talking about our old motivational system of “carrots and sticks”, use of bonuses and rewards and the reasons why these systems doesn’t work (except in very specific circumstances). Then he talks about how motivation actually works and the three elements neccessary for motivation. In the end he suggests tool kits for motivation based upon different circumstances.

It’s a good and interesting read, and I will certainly use it to become a better and happier person in what I do, no matter what, where and how I’m doing it.

It began when I was working for Software Innovation. I looked through the sales brochures and noticed all the smiling, business-dressed humans. Some I knew, some I didn’t. But always smiling and above average good-looking. The pictures tried to convey an image of success, effectiveness and trust, but I didn’t feel it. My thought was more of how grey this people were, how little of interest and fun the people and environment seemed. The brochures targeted businesses, but even they are staffed by people who like to have a good time and their primary concern in life is their family, kids and spare time.

On wednesday I was at Nationaltheatheret and I noticed the bright poster from “Bring” shining towards me… again with these happy, good-looking people. 3 men and one woman. If I purchase something from them, does it mean there’s a 75 % chance I will get a guy on my door? I don’t mind having handsome men coming to my door. Actually, I encourage it!

But other than that – I’m not interested. Seeing these people doesn’t make me in any way more interested.

So, there’s a price cut on refrigerated products (are there a better word for it?). What products? Is that woman on the move supposed to make me want to run to the store? She doesn’t. There’s nothing there that remotely makes me notice the commercial, except the fact that I don’t understand the use of only people in commercials and somehow I felt like writing about it. I don’t have kids. May be that’s the reason this commercial doesn’t make me want to spend my money? I’m obviously not the target for this commercial since I’m Norwegian and don’t make long distance calls. But still… does this commercial make you want to call your dear ones?

This is actually the first commercial I saw where it made sense to use humans. It’s a political party where putting the politicans to the forefront, making them known to the public matters. The issue they fronted though (a city for everybody) just makes me want to yawn. So how will they go about making that happen? …. and more importantly, I didn’t know the city wasn’t for everybody. What did I miss??
Of course one have to use humans in commercials, but seeing people doesn’t automatically make me feel trust or invoke interest on my part. There has to be something special there… like the image below of Lizzie Miller. Look at it… there’s something there I will purchase at once. It’s natural, bright, beautiful smile. This picture sparked a big debate in the US because she’s a plus size model (and how that is possible is beyond me, I would kill for a body like that!) and her little (cute) belly was considered unhealthy.

Most commercials of people are so incredibly boring, and don’t make me want to purchase anything. But hey, some of the goal is probably just to be noticed by the correct people, so may be the content of the commercials isn’t that important.

On the bright side, from now on I will probably notice good commercials when I see them. ]]> http://klungvik.com/index.php/2010/commercials/feed/ 0 http://klungvik.com/index.php/2010/happiness-is-cleaning-and-tidy-up/ http://klungvik.com/index.php/2010/happiness-is-cleaning-and-tidy-up/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:18:03 +0000 Helene Klungvik http://klungvik.com/?p=863 I have noticed that I’m happier if the space around me is clean, tidy and light with as little clutter around me as possible. I get more tasks done, I get more creative and more importantly is the feeling of happiness, harmony, being in charge and that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m aligned with the universe-feeling.

When I let things slide I quickly get a feeling of malcontent. I’m unbalanced, out of harmony, unhappy.

The last couple of months I have had this feeling because things have just been piling up:
Christmas time and presents
Bills I haven’t dealt with immediately
My closets that needs cleaning up
My bedroom where I spend most of my time have been messy.

It’s surprisingly easy to fall into a state where I don’t deal with something immediately, like take up my clothes instead of letting them lie on the floor.

Now I have started on a new mission: Tidy up my bedroom. I actually love to spend time tidying up – I’m just not so effective when I’m doing it. I started it some days ago, and already I feel the benefits are showing up. I have dealt with my bills, thrown out magazine’s I have read or never will read, dealt with some to-do tasks (like paying bills, stop newspaper subscriptions etc.).

I’m going to take a critical look at my bookshelves and start throwing away DVD’s I’m not going to see again, books I will never read (and hopefully can purchase as ebooks).

The result is more space around me, it’s lighter, and I feel more inspired and energised.

How do you like your surroundings to be?

Shift to today: I’m happier than I have ever been. I love my life and I feel in full control of my life and situation. I know that I can deal with the hardships that will come my way and still be happy, peaceful and content.

How did I get there? I tried changing my external environment (work, home, romance), but it didn’t help much. Things did get a little better each time, but I was still very unhappy. Then I changed my inner environment. I stopped looking at other people/situation/past as source of unhappiness, and started looking at what I could do with myself. The thing is: We always have a choice. It’s an old adage, but it has survived for so long, because there’s truth in that statement.

Our choice isn’t related to what “should” have been, how people “should” have acted or what “shouldn’t” have happened. The situation is there and we have no control of how people think or act. Our choice is in how we respond to the situation. We can act instinctively, blaming everyone and everything around us – or blame ourselves (thereby feeling shame etc.) Or we can get proactive – make up a strategy to deal with a situation.

I remember a discussion on one of the social norwegian networks I’m registered on. The discussion was about NAV and the help NAV offers (or didn’t offer). There was a couple that received social benefits and they were so angry with NAV because they didn’t receive much money and NAV didn’t offer them much help to get a job/education etc. They were very resentful, stating that NAV was incompetent and run by idiots. Now, there may be some truth to their claim, but that is not the purpose of me bringing the issue forth. The interesting part was that their reaction was reactive. They had an external factor (NAV) that they expected to help or improve their life. It was clear from their statements they felt helpless and powerless dealing with this public office and grew more and more resentful as things didn’t improve. All their focus was on all the wrong things NAV had done (which is an instinctive reaction).

This is the reactive way, where one have an expectation of things outside oneself to improve one’s life and only focusing on faults made by external people and situations.

It was suggested to them that they had to make their claims to NAV, get to know the laws that governs it and actually be active to improve their situation. This is the proactive choice. Then one takes responsibility for the situation one is in, and make the steps to improve it. Things may not be better in the short term, but it will be in the long term.

There’s a saying that comes to mind here: God helps those that helps themselves.

Another example is a fight I recently had with a friend. In the beginning both were reactive (blaming each other)  in response to each other. At some point I managed to cool down and take a look at what my values are. My friends are very important to me, and I saw that my actions was not in sync with my values. That was when I started getting proactive, and decided that what we were fighting about wasn’t important for me. I could have continued to be mad at my friend and keep driving my points in (reactive and instinctively). Instead I told her how I could have acted better, my areas of improvements and told her some of her good qualities.

Being proactive can be used on all areas of life. It’s about spending a little bit of time, search for resources that can help, make a strategy on how to deal with it and follow it.

A difficult boss – read up on how to deal with difficult bosses. One step can be to document everything that happens (date, time, people, situation, discussion).
Communication breaking down – read about the different communication styles and how to respond to them.
Unhappy at work – read up on career coaching like Marcus Buckingham gives.

The reactive and proactive response is just step 1 in “7 habits of highly effective people“. The next step is even more interesting and I touched upon it – what are the principles and values that we want to govern our actions.

“I keep remembering one of my Guru’s teaching about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don’t you will leak away your innate contentment. It’s easy enough to pray when you’re in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like sealing a process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

Recalling these teachings as I ride my bike so freely in the sunset through Bali, I keep making prayers that are really vows, presenting my state of harmony to God and saying, “This is what I would like to hold on to. Please help me memorize this feeling of contentment and help me always support it.” I’m putting this happiness in a bank somewhere… This is a practice I’ve come to call Diligent Joy. I also keep remembering a simple idea my friend Darcey told me once – that all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people. Not only in the big global Hitler-’n'-Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. Even in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me.  The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. “

“Oh, but sure I did?”
“Well, did I?”

“Kind’a….”

My expectations were for the most part unconscious, all garbled up by the belief that when I fall in love with my soulmate, that person will be everything I (didn’t) know I wanted. I struggled more with the question if there was a soulmate for me, without a clear concept of what it is. As relationships goes, it was easier to see what I didn’t want. But as I have later realised – it usually had more with some area I needed to learn and grow.

So the time was overdue for figuring out what it is I’m looking for, and I have developed a list of qualities that is important to me.

What people look for in relationships can be so different. Some might seek stability, to have somebody to come home to. Somebody needs “storms” in the relationship, challenges. Or simply a non-challenging, easy relationship. Maybe a lot of romantic gestures to keep the relationship alive. And I would love to hear what other people consider important for them in a relationship.

Communication
I put it at the top, even though the list isn’t necessarily prioritized. I want conversations where we can talk about everything, from easy to deep themes and interests, about our personal life’s, ups and downs, mistakes and things we have done right and lessons learned. He must have the ability to see things from several viewpoints, and be able to accept (but not necessarily agree) on other views than his own. I want to be able to share my heart with him, things I go through and that he does the same with me, (try to) communicate what it is we need from the other. Communication is one of the most important things that will connect us, to understand each other and also to work through issues that arises.

Activities
I have to be an active person and I need a partner that has the same need. If I don’t get my dose of activities I very quickly become restless, which makes me feel that I have grown stale, which in return makes me in a bad mood. I need to experience new things on a regular basis. So he must like to get out of the house, go on trips, road trips, day trips, hiking, travelling, visit friends and family, watch tv together, eat in restaurants, cinema – you name it.

Closeness
I need a lot of physical intimacy, he has to be cuddly, like to hold hands, hold me, both in public and in private. And well, sex is not something I’m comfortable writing about, but it belongs in this category.

Handsome
Attraction must be there, both on a physical and mental level.

Growth
There has to be room in the relationship to grow as people, both together and separate. We both must have an understanding and tolerance when we are taking different paths spiritually in life. We will take care of  each other, but it’s important that we both take care of our own interests and friends and maintain a personal side that doesn’t need to involve the partner. We will have the integrity to know and set our limits.

Personality
He must be open, natural, generous, faithful, loyal, loving, emotionally available, empathic, share household chores (thank you Ingrid for mentioning that those “small” everyday qualities that one usually don’t think about matters), gentle, kind, have a healthy economic sense. And yes, some romantic gestures now and then.

And how will I know when I meet him? Actually, I mentioned it in a previous post: I want to feel like I have known him for a long time, and that it feels right. And I have to be very attracted to him.

Many years ago I remember speaking to an acquaintance, and he told me about this new girl he had met.
“It feels like I have known this person for a long time”, he said. Later on they got married.

Ingrid met her fiancé online and when I asked her when she knew her fiancé was the one, she responded: “Only after 2/3 days”. When I asked her how she knew he was the one, she answered: “It felt right”.

I asked the same question to Merete which is happily married and I got the answer “It’s impossible to know if I had met the one, but it felt right at the time”.

These are only three people, but it strikes a cord with me. I have noticed a theme in my life and that is that everything that happens to me (even bad stuff) happens at the correct time. Especially for the last six months I have noticed that every event have felt right, like it is suppose to happen and in the end will turn out to be a good thing. I had the impression that the feeling I’ve been having could be translated to all aspects in life, including meeting Mr./Miss Right.

This has had a special effect on me, because I’ve become so relaxed. I know that everything will turn out good in the end, all I have to do is “ride the waves” and whenever something feels off (or right) I do it. There is no need for me to stress, thinking “what if”,  “I have to do this”, or “I have to press this issue” because I know everything will happen when the time is right.

And it feels amazing.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Whenever I get the sense that something in my life is off track I do a progress meeting with myself and asks these questions:
1. What isn’t working?
2. Why isn’t it working?
3. What can I do to change it?
(4. Implement the changes)

It’s amazing how effective those questions are, and I find I even enjoy asking them and coming up with answers. It gives me the feeling of growing personally and makes me feel I have a rich inner life where a lot is happening.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That being happy is something that I have to work for, in the sense that I have to take care of and be sensitive to my own needs. I used to believe that having a boyfriend, having a career etc. was going to give my life purpose, but now my happiness is all about my inner state of being.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I work as a developer, and that entails creating functionality and fixing bugs on the way. During programming there’s a lot of problems that comes up that I have to solve and I connect my ability to work through problems to my worth. So if I spend a lot of time figuring out a small problem and getting nowhere, the frustration and stress levels rise exponentially. The underlying thought is that somebody more experienced would have solved it more quickly (which aren’t always correct).

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity?
I used to eat chocolate, candy and chips for my happiness boost, but now I don’t any more because I have weight issues and it affects my health. I still haven’t found a way to give myself a happiness boost that replaces chocolate and cakes etc. I would love some advice here though (and don’t say exercise) . Going out to a cafe with a book and a cafe mocca is great though (but then I’m still on something connected to food and drinks).

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
My mantra is: I’m the correct person, at the correct time, in the correct place – always!

So whenever difficulties arise or I’m having a bad time, I remind myself that I’m in the correct place. There is something to learn from that situation, or it is intended to make situations better in the long run. I just have to trust that God’s love is behind the situation.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Giving and/or receiving advice can sour a relationship instead of helping it. It’s a mistake I have seen in myself and others, because when we give advice we expect them to follow it, and when they don’t we can become irritated and annoyed. So the next time something similar happens to the other person we say and act: “Well, I gave you my advice, you didn’t take it, so you deserve what you got”. The truth of the matter is that we give advice according to our personality and life, but the person on the receiving end of the advice has a different personality and life, so our advice in many cases will not match. Or even more importantly, they are not ready! When people are ready, they will change their actions. Advice may help, but it will not be a breaking point in most cases. I have learned to be very careful about giving advice, and I try to do it only when I’m being asked. A more careful approach I usually take is to tell the other person about what helps for me and situations where it has helped, but nor phrase it as an advice, but as me sharing my life with the other person.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why?
I have fluctuated a lot. I love to travel, being a free spirit without a thought in my head and only my own needs to take care of. I lived in australia for about a year, and I fell in love with the country. Warm, sunny – I loved going outside the door and seeing palm trees. There were many options for going out and doing different activities. It’s a beautiful country, and perfect for vacation travelling.

On the other side of the specter is stress, having obligations, having people depend on my work and that I finish in time etc.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, I work on it several days a week. I need a lot of rest and peace and quiet around me, so I try to meditate, focus on my spiritual needs by reading etc. If a couple of days go by without doing spiritual activities, I start feeling like I’m wasting my life, that something is missing in my life.

I read books about happiness (that in itself makes me feel happier). I go to a cafe and have a cafe mocca.

I have progress meetings with myself where I sit down and spend time evaluating how my life is going.

I keep a daily journal where I write everything down – including the progress meetings. I can really recommend a journal called “The Sacred Journey“. It’s a fantastic tool for looking at how life is going, working through issues, having monthly goals and just keeping track. I don’t use it for keeping track of events etc, it’s for my personal/inner life only.

I remember when I was about 13 – 14, standing on the porch, looking at the stars and already then I had a strong sense that God had a special purpose and plans for me. Now I’m 31 and I feel disconnected from time to time. So, as I always do when things are going in the wrong direction I have a progress meeting with myself and asks:
1. What isn’t working?
2. Why isn’t it working?
3. What can I do to change it?
(4. Implement the changes)

1. What isn’t working?
My religion and spirituality is very important issues in my life, so I started taking stocks. I often feel “being tired of life”, like things aren’t tasting as sweet anymore. I used to love programming, and even though I still like the challenges, I also have moments where I feel tired. Having a career doesn’t really matter as much as before.

I’m not married with kids, so no juice there (I only add that since I have the feeling so many people seem to think that having a family is the “meaning of life”).

In reality things are working well for me, so it’s not about external circumstances, it’s an inner state of being that was missing.

2. Why isn’t it working?
I’m happy, but I had been ignoring my religious interest for a while. No wonder I was feeling disconnected at times. The reason I came to this conclusion was because I was satisfied with my life, and that area was the one thing I had neglected for a while. Not to mention that my faith is the juice (well, one of them) that gives my life meaning.

3. What can I do to change it?
For the last week I have been getting connected again by reading more, meditating more and taking the necessary steps and it feels great. I read one story from Srimad Bhagavatam that really struck a cord in me regarding my dilemma:

Once, the chief of the elephants, along with female elephants, went to enjoy bathing in a lake, and they disturbed the inhabitants of the water. Because of this, the chief crocodile in that water, who was very powerful, immediately attacked the elephant’s leg. Thus there ensued a great fight between the elephant and the crocodile. This fight continued for one thousand years. Neither the elephant nor the crocodile died, but since they were in the water, the elephant gradually became weak whereas the power of the crocodile increased more and more. Thus, the crocodile became more and more encouraged. Then the elephant, being helpless and seeing that there was no other way for his protection, sought shelter at the lotus feet of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. (Srimad Bhagavatam, 8.2 Summary)

(Note: The crocodile is a symbol of lust, anger, greed, illusion, and envy.)

I could really relate to this story because life seem to make me feel helpless and certainly makes me tired at times. Life and living isn’t an easy task for most people. There are so many challenges to face, problems to solve and experiences (good and bad) to digest. The best way of dealing with life seem to be to roll with the punches, which in itself is a challenge to do without getting some scars on the way.

So, I sought God’s shelter by reading, meditating and praying which is in the same spirit of the elephant in the end. And yet again – I’m connected and feeling even better and happier. And I do think I’m on the path God have for me, just as I felt when I was 13/14.

And I was able to deduce this whole blog post from a little story about an elephant and a crocodile