Helene

How do you know when you have met the love of your life?

Many years ago I remember speaking to an acquaintance, and he told me about this new girl he had met.
“It feels like I have known this person for a long time”, he said. Later on they got married.

Ingrid met her fiancé online and when I asked her when she knew her fiancé was the one, she responded: “Only after 2/3 days”. When I asked her how she knew he was the one, she answered: “It felt right”.

I asked the same question to Merete which is happily married and I got the answer “It’s impossible to know if I had met the one, but it felt right at the time”.

These are only three people, but it strikes a cord with me. I have noticed a theme in my life and that is that everything that happens to me (even bad stuff) happens at the correct time. Especially for the last six months I have noticed that every event have felt right, like it is suppose to happen and in the end will turn out to be a good thing. I had the impression that the feeling I’ve been having could be translated to all aspects in life, including meeting Mr./Miss Right.

This has had a special effect on me, because I’ve become so relaxed. I know that everything will turn out good in the end, all I have to do is “ride the waves” and whenever something feels off (or right) I do it. There is no need for me to stress, thinking “what if”,  “I have to do this”, or “I have to press this issue” because I know everything will happen when the time is right.

And it feels amazing.

Gretchen Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project where she writes about happiness. She regularly interviews people about happiness, and asks some very good questions. So – since I don’t think Gretchen will knock on my door asking these questions, I decided to do them on my own.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Whenever I get the sense that something in my life is off track I do a progress meeting with myself and asks these questions:
1. What isn’t working?
2. Why isn’t it working?
3. What can I do to change it?
(4. Implement the changes)

It’s amazing how effective those questions are, and I find I even enjoy asking them and coming up with answers. It gives me the feeling of growing personally and makes me feel I have a rich inner life where a lot is happening.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That being happy is something that I have to work for, in the sense that I have to take care of and be sensitive to my own needs. I used to believe that having a boyfriend, having a career etc. was going to give my life purpose, but now my happiness is all about my inner state of being.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I work as a developer, and that entails creating functionality and fixing bugs on the way. During programming there’s a lot of problems that comes up that I have to solve and I connect my ability to work through problems to my worth. So if I spend a lot of time figuring out a small problem and getting nowhere, the frustration and stress levels rise exponentially. The underlying thought is that somebody more experienced would have solved it more quickly (which aren’t always correct).

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity?
I used to eat chocolate, candy and chips for my happiness boost, but now I don’t any more because I have weight issues and it affects my health. I still haven’t found a way to give myself a happiness boost that replaces chocolate and cakes etc. I would love some advice here though (and don’t say exercise) . Going out to a cafe with a book and a cafe mocca is great though (but then I’m still on something connected to food and drinks).

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
My mantra is: I’m the correct person, at the correct time, in the correct place – always!

So whenever difficulties arise or I’m having a bad time, I remind myself that I’m in the correct place. There is something to learn from that situation, or it is intended to make situations better in the long run. I just have to trust that God’s love is behind the situation.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Giving and/or receiving advice can sour a relationship instead of helping it. It’s a mistake I have seen in myself and others, because when we give advice we expect them to follow it, and when they don’t we can become irritated and annoyed. So the next time something similar happens to the other person we say and act: “Well, I gave you my advice, you didn’t take it, so you deserve what you got”. The truth of the matter is that we give advice according to our personality and life, but the person on the receiving end of the advice has a different personality and life, so our advice in many cases will not match. Or even more importantly, they are not ready! When people are ready, they will change their actions. Advice may help, but it will not be a breaking point in most cases. I have learned to be very careful about giving advice, and I try to do it only when I’m being asked. A more careful approach I usually take is to tell the other person about what helps for me and situations where it has helped, but nor phrase it as an advice, but as me sharing my life with the other person.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why?
I have fluctuated a lot. I love to travel, being a free spirit without a thought in my head and only my own needs to take care of. I lived in australia for about a year, and I fell in love with the country. Warm, sunny – I loved going outside the door and seeing palm trees. There were many options for going out and doing different activities. It’s a beautiful country, and perfect for vacation travelling.

On the other side of the specter is stress, having obligations, having people depend on my work and that I finish in time etc.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, I work on it several days a week. I need a lot of rest and peace and quiet around me, so I try to meditate, focus on my spiritual needs by reading etc. If a couple of days go by without doing spiritual activities, I start feeling like I’m wasting my life, that something is missing in my life.

I read books about happiness (that in itself makes me feel happier). I go to a cafe and have a cafe mocca.

I have progress meetings with myself where I sit down and spend time evaluating how my life is going.

I keep a daily journal where I write everything down – including the progress meetings. I can really recommend a journal called “The Sacred Journey“. It’s a fantastic tool for looking at how life is going, working through issues, having monthly goals and just keeping track. I don’t use it for keeping track of events etc, it’s for my personal/inner life only.

During my spare time, when I actually have time to reflect on my life, I find that I sometimes feel disconnected (especially when I’m bored). It’s like I’m disconnected from a life that gives me purpose and meaning (let’s face the facts – a nine to five job isn’t always encouraging for the creative process and personal growth), from feeling joyful for my life and I don’t feel connected to God and a higher purpose (and let me be clear: this is only occasional feelings).

I remember when I was about 13 – 14, standing on the porch, looking at the stars and already then I had a strong sense that God had a special purpose and plans for me. Now I’m 31 and I feel disconnected from time to time. So, as I always do when things are going in the wrong direction I have a progress meeting with myself and asks:
1. What isn’t working?
2. Why isn’t it working?
3. What can I do to change it?
(4. Implement the changes)

1. What isn’t working?
My religion and spirituality is very important issues in my life, so I started taking stocks. I often feel “being tired of life”, like things aren’t tasting as sweet anymore. I used to love programming, and even though I still like the challenges, I also have moments where I feel tired. Having a career doesn’t really matter as much as before.

I’m not married with kids, so no juice there (I only add that since I have the feeling so many people seem to think that having a family is the “meaning of life”).

In reality things are working well for me, so it’s not about external circumstances, it’s an inner state of being that was missing.

2. Why isn’t it working?
I’m happy, but I had been ignoring my religious interest for a while. No wonder I was feeling disconnected at times. The reason I came to this conclusion was because I was satisfied with my life, and that area was the one thing I had neglected for a while. Not to mention that my faith is the juice (well, one of them) that gives my life meaning.

3. What can I do to change it?
For the last week I have been getting connected again by reading more, meditating more and taking the necessary steps and it feels great. I read one story from Srimad Bhagavatam that really struck a cord in me regarding my dilemma:

Once, the chief of the elephants, along with female elephants, went to enjoy bathing in a lake, and they disturbed the inhabitants of the water. Because of this, the chief crocodile in that water, who was very powerful, immediately attacked the elephant’s leg. Thus there ensued a great fight between the elephant and the crocodile. This fight continued for one thousand years. Neither the elephant nor the crocodile died, but since they were in the water, the elephant gradually became weak whereas the power of the crocodile increased more and more. Thus, the crocodile became more and more encouraged. Then the elephant, being helpless and seeing that there was no other way for his protection, sought shelter at the lotus feet of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. (Srimad Bhagavatam, 8.2 Summary)

(Note: The crocodile is a symbol of lust, anger, greed, illusion, and envy.)

I could really relate to this story because life seem to make me feel helpless and certainly makes me tired at times. Life and living isn’t an easy task for most people. There are so many challenges to face, problems to solve and experiences (good and bad) to digest. The best way of dealing with life seem to be to roll with the punches, which in itself is a challenge to do without getting some scars on the way.

So, I sought God’s shelter by reading, meditating and praying which is in the same spirit of the elephant in the end. And yet again – I’m connected and feeling even better and happier. And I do think I’m on the path God have for me, just as I felt when I was 13/14.

And I was able to deduce this whole blog post from a little story about an elephant and a crocodile

I once read that about  80% of families were dysfunctional. In wikipedia this is stated about what a dysfunctional family is:

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accommodate such actions.

By that definition it doesn’t surprise me that 80 % of families are dysfunctional, and it is confirmed in the perception I have of the world and people I meet and see. All it takes is just one person to create a lot of pain in other people.

I see many people in some kind of pain that they reflect upon their surroundings and people. I especially notice it in how people talk and treat each other. And I see it in myself. The inner pain is expressed in so many ways. I will not mention the more serious ways of expressing inner pain, that’s a whole different subject matter. I only takes examples from every day life.

I had a need to be heard and I loved to be able to talk about myself. I see this in most people I meet. They have a need to talk about  how they define themselves by what they like and don’t like, talk about what a nice person they are, how they’re views and reality are correct. It’s a need for validation from other people. This is a natural and healthy interaction, but it gets exaggerated when a person don’t listen to what the other people were saying and are more busy just talking about themselves. Most people fall within the exaggerated category at different levels in different times of their lives. Many people have a great need to be heard, and at the same time don’t have the capacity to hear others, which in itself can cause pain in others.

Criticism. Yes, who doesn’t know of this one? When criticizing other people it’s because people don’t act as we want them too, and we don’t accept it. In my experience, the act of criticizing in itself generates both pain in the one doing the criticism and the one being critiqued. At the same time it’s also necessary part of human interaction to be able to speak up when something isn’t as it supposed to be. So how to deal with criticism properly? I think Eckart Tolle is into something when he speaks about it, and can be summed up as “Don’t take it personally”. I know I take things personally when I get the feeling “How dare you say this to me”, or I get hurt or the likes. One thing that has really stuck to me about recieving critique is: “How will this change my world?” The truth is, it doesn’t. It can generate a change in me, but rarely in the external world.

And that brings me to the next level, “the victimization”. Everybody have situations where a person or two have done something wrong towards them, and it haven’t been rectified. We didn’t get the “I’m sorry” that we expected or when explaining things to the person in question, they didn’t understand it or even may have made the situation worse. When criticising other people, there’s usually an evil-doer and a victim involved. When identifiying with being a victim of other people, one puts all the responsibility on the other person(s) and take no responsibility oneself. By identifying with a victim, it’s difficult (/impossible) to move on.

Everyday I meet people and every one of them leave an impression on me. Good or bad. I often find myself fretting over different things, people that seem to don’t like me, a situation where I said or did something stupid, stress, fears etc. There’s a big well to take from.

How do I deal with this and let go of the pain in the end of the day. I have to listen to myself. Even when my thinking become repetative, I’m obviously not really listening to myself. I have found that when my thinking becomes repetative, it’s because I don’t allow myself to feel the feelings. The repetative feelings are usually connected to something that doesn’t feel good, so I continue thinking about it from different angles etc. in a vain attempt to change how I feel about it. If I stop and just let my self feel the feelings, I can even put a name to them like disappointed, irritated, frustrated, angry, hurt, wounded etc. When I accept those feelings, I feel lighter and happier. I have validated that I have those feelings and views and that in itself somehow makes them fade.

Another way I use to deal with episodes and situations I can’t get out of my head is simply by thinking that there’s nothing I can do about the situation. It has happened and there is nothing more I can do. I use this method when there really isn’t anything I can do – like when people decide that they don’t like me or something that happened some time ago.

Do you have a way of cleansing away the bad influences at the end of the day?

(more…)

I’m a passionate person. I usually have one passion that makes me all giddy and makes me do much research, reading etc. For the last couple of months my passion have been happiness: How to achieve it, how to maintain it when I feel it, and ensure that it lasts. I haven’t really come up with a definitive answer, but I have come a long way in discovering how to get there.

So, when I found a news article about happy people don’t watch mutch tv, I joined the choir. I have been a total tv slave, but I have slowly started watching less TV and I don’t enjoy it as much as before. I also notice that I’m not that happy when watching it. There’s a lot of things I prefer doing before watching tv (like exercising). The thing is… I can do both in one day. I’m kind of lucky that way.

The Dilbert creator, Scott Adams, has a nice posting about where his inspiration for Dilbert and other items come from. He states that his passions drives him, not him being in the lead seat deciding “Now I’m going to be passionate about this item”. He states “your passion finds you”.

Before creating Dilbert, Scott Adams used to be a regular Joe with a regular job. What sparked my interest is this quote:

When I had a full-time job, before Dilbert, I awoke at 4 AM, sat alone in a comfortable chair with a cup of coffee, and waited. I did that for a year or two, just emptying my mind and freeing my imagination. I don’t remember the day I picked up a pencil and started drawing instead of sitting during those hours, but I’m sure I didn’t have a choice.

I have heard that statement before by Eckart Tolle. He also used to sit quietly in a meditative state, not doing anything, just letting the thoughts run free without pushing them to the forefront. Tolle has also stated that one needs to take the time doing nothing, to allow ideas to come forward, even if one has to wait a couple of years. That’s how the book “A New Earth” appeared to him. The book was waiting to be written, and at some point it came to Tolle so he could write it.

Oprah tries to meditate every day, doing nothing. She told that one day all she had time to was meditate while her dog was drinking out of the bidet. That was funny

So now I try to take some moments every day where I do nothing, except sitting there in solitude and quiteness. I find it a bit hard, and I only last for a cup of coffee, but at least its something. And apparantly I have to do that for a couple of years before some inspiration grips me. I want it to come sooner than that.

Yes, that’s where I am, in happy land. I’m happy! I’m pleased with my life, I like my life.

Getting there have been work. I started looking at what wasn’t working in my life, what I weren’t pleased with. The first part was recognizing the unhappy thoughts – I dislike my life, I will never be happy, I don’t belong, life is meaningless etc. and figuring out what triggered those thoughts, and what feeling of loss was there, what was I missing in my life?

Then I started looking at what I liked doing, what gave me a sense of pleasure and well-being and what I wanted from my life. What I really wanted was a feeling of peace and stillness within myself.

So how does one find peace and stillness? It’s not something one suddenly can decide and then feel it immediately afterwards. I had to search for it.

The first decision I made was that I will not grow complacent about my own well-being. If I’m unhappy, I need to figure out why and deal with it immediately. If I wanted peace, well, god damn it, then I had to work for it. What stopped me? What troubled my mind? Peace and happiness is an internal mood, but to get it I had to deal with external problems, internal issues and doing activities that I liked.

From a friend I got two tips: Nonviolent communication and Katie Byron. Nonviolent Communication is about how to communicate with others in a compassionate way, but it’s also about finding and recognizing ones needs in dealing with oneself and others. I started working through the issues I had, and my needs behind them.

Katie Byron have come up with a process called ‘The Work’ for dealing with issues and suffering in ones life.

By combining these two methods I started working on myself and figuring out what I needed to do to moving forwards and becoming happy. That was the start, but it’s an ongoing process.

I have never been particularly interested in self-realization books, but when I started to watch Oprah and get some tips, I got the sense that I can use those too feel better and I started reading them. I bought ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle and ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne. I take what works for me and discards the things that doesn’t work for me.  What I have found is that by even taking the time to read those books, I feel better and more happy.

I have made several decisions over the course of time:

1. I shall like and be happy with everything I do.
2. My surroundings shall have people that care about and love me.
3. Affirmations, I tell myself every day that I like my life, I am secure about myself and everybody in this universe will work to make me happy.

Weekly happiness tasks:

• Exercise at least once a week
• Go to a cafe, relax, read a book etc. once a week
• Spend at least one hour each week on my religion (reading, translating etc).
• Doing an activity that connected me to other people. In my case I decided to do some volunteering work for Red Cross and for youths.

Other:

• Indulge myself with a massage twice a year.
• Visit my friend in Trondheim at least twice a year.

All of these activities are something I want to do, that gives me joy. I look forward to each and every one of these activities. And what I find is that this list keeps on growing over the months.

The result: I’m happy

Things like cooking (which I haven’t liked before), I suddenly enjoy. I enjoy baking, cleaning up. Even the smallest task is suddenly something I look forward to. I feel peace and stillness within myself, and my life is richer for it. And I nurture that happiness each day, so that I may never loose it again.