Man’s (well, mine) search for meaning

I have for over a year now had the dreaded title “ufør” here in Norway. It’s a terrible title – ufør is the equivalent of the word “disabled” in english. Which means there’s a whole species of people who has to answer they are disabled whenever the talk goes into “So, what do you do?” As a disabled person, I can say that the answer gets even worse whenever I go into depth of what being disabled means to me. It means I am without meaning. No goals that define me, nothing I work towards that provides said meaning. If the word “ufør” had an indian name, it would be something like: “Those of low hope”.

Not working ripped away a big part of my identity; which was work. I loved working, I loved IT. I still love IT, I just have difficulty to keep myself updated when I don’t have some clear goals to work towards.

Becoming ufør has been a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because I’m financially secured for the rest of my life, a big curse because I’m not created to do nothing. Who am I when I’m not working and creating something? What value do I have when I have no impact on anything?

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
Friedrich Nietzsche

My “why” has become lost and I haven’t been able to find it again. It’s a terrible way to live – I am a person who needs many why’s and the ones I have is not enough. On my desk I have a picture of a road with the text “follow your curiosity”. Why aren’t I even able to do that?

I decided that this month will be a no TV month, and since this is my first personal post in forever, it seems like its working. I’m also considering/beginning to seriously limit my phone use. My friend Kristina wanted to stop eating dairy, gluten and sugar, so heck. With no tv in place, why not make my life utterly miserable until I either break through or break down? And I know myself – I never break down enough because I always end up breaking through for the simple reason that I live and breath and just doesn’t know how to stop doing those things while improving. It’s a compulsion. Like ocd that just keeps on trying to find different ways to improve my life until something clicks in place.

And yet – for some years now I have not been able to create meaning in my life. It’s the classic midlife crisis trap where one have to reinvent parts of oneself. Except of course, the real juice is in the process of doing and not the attainment of the goal.

So there it is. By choosing away TV for a month, I am in the process part by removing something in the hopes something else will grow in its place. Gotta love the frustration, right?

About Haridasi

integrity - the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
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